Right now, I’m exhausted. This week at work has been one of the toughest of the year, and we have four more days with students. Yesterday at work was so emotionally draining (working with a student who engages in intense self-injurious behaviour), that I went to sleep at 9 pm and still woke up feeling like I’d run all night long. Moving didn’t seem to help me clear my mind before I sat to meditate, and meditation was mechanical and rote — once I actually fell into the groove.
My mind kept wandering back to autopsy the day and played ‘what-if’ about how we could have de-escalted the more devastating incidents of self-injurious behavior (but the anxiety and stress of change is so internalised in the student that all we can do is provide safe places and try and get the behaviour to stop as quickly as possible). I finally did get my mind to a still place to focus on the breathing portion of the Quareia meditation. I woke up when my timer went off.
Thankfully, the student wasn’t in class today, but on a graduating class field trip. The day was a bit less draining — still as chaotic (nature abhors a vacuum) — but most of the behavioural issues were less intense and easily resolved. I’m planning on a restful evening, skipping the melatonin tonight and hoping the dream activity eases up, and will show up to meditate again tomorrow morning.