MyStyle (2)

I used the cat talisman I made yesterday and the effects weren’t what I was expecting. I warn you, this is a LONG post.

I think I ought to be completely honest here and give some back story. Up until about a year ago, I was fundamentalist Christan, having been raised in that belief system from birth. Now, I’m not here to pass judgement on that system or anyone who follows it, but it just didn’t jive with me and some of my experiences. About six months ago is when I finally broke away, the strong arm of religious of fear finally letting go, so when I say I’m a newbie to this interpretation of magic- I mean it.

To give you an idea of how I got to where I am at the moment, I should point out that I have some unusual traits that, like I said, just didn’t jive with aforesaid system of belief. One of them is called sleep paralysis and I have it in spades. For those who don’t know what that is, it’s a sleep disorder. When you sleep, your body fluctuates between something called NREM and REM cycles. NREM is 75% of your normal over-night sleep and is when your body relaxes and you restore. REM occurs for about 90 minutes and is the time when you dream. Sleep paralysis causes you to become conscious during REM cycle, effectively waking your mind before your body. The result is that you can’t move, can’t speak, and often dream hallucinations into your environment. For me, it was uncontrollable and terrifying. And as a result, for the majority of my life before, discovering there was a name for this, I’ve been afraid to sleep, afraid I was being yanked around by demons, and afraid I was mentally unstable.

This last year, I’ve been researching and have discovered that this is exactly what people induce in order to astral travel. And in the last six months, research in astral travel led me to chakras. Chakras led me to crystals. Crystals led me to the only metaphysical store near DC. And the metaphysical store led me to magic. And magic led me to a number of books, including Hands on Chaos Magic, the only book I have found that doesn’t assume I know anything about anything. And Hands on Chaos Magic has led me to this challenge. During this time I had to move, and was sussed out by a the most emotionally responsible, grounded woman I have ever met who was told by a psychic I would be her roommate- She reads tarot and has facilitated an amazing environment of self discovery with the checks and balances that only an outside perspective can give. All in all, this whole experience has started an extraordinary transformation in my life.

Now, of course (big eye roll), my sleep paralysis has all but stopped in the last few months (a first). Of course!… Right when I’m losing my fear, learning about this whole other world, and want to take control. But I know it’s because the universe is preparing me. The spirits pushed me to the edge of my sanity and then said, “Great, now that we finally have your attention, let’s get you up to par because you’re not ready for the gift you’ve got.” In my enthusiasm, I feel like a five year old yanking on the shirt of the universe, begging, “Please, please please may I ride the big, beautiful stallion? You said I have talent!” The universe responding, “You do have talent, but you haven’t grown enough and you’ve only just learned how to mount a horse. It’s ol’ Dusty the slow-but-sure trail pony for you for now.”

So, that brings me to this most recent circle. I know this is a more advanced challenge that I’m leaping into head first and I expected things could be a little bit of a struggle – or not! But I’ve done a couple sigils and sachets in the recent past that had enormous, very evident results. What I have not done, up until this whole daily empowerment thing, is call upon a specific deity (that’s my Christian fear getting all up in my head).

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I cast my circle, call my quarters, chakra-pool myself (which, by the way, gets more effective the more I do it), and then call up Freyja. I tell her about the talisman and each of the characteristics and how they apply to her and ask that she empower it to facilitate communication between us. I didn’t feel anything particularly. I’ll be honest, I kinda came at her like a kid with a drawing they did for their mom and got nothing in response. Then I empower the prosperity bag for a little while- THAT I felt. All normal, though, right? Everything felt much like any circle I have ever cast (yeah, like all 15-20 of them. LOL. Except for one which left me feeling like I drank a dozen red bulls).

Well, so I put down the bag and pick up the cat talisman to hold and focus on and ask Freyja to, commune with me, to give me wisdom and insight. I immediately got the biggest heebie jeebies I have ever had, felt like I was being watched, and all of the sudden there were all these noises around me in the room. Like a shuffling, then a rustling of something, and a tap tap tap. Mind you, things were pretty quiet up to this point. I recognize that there are noises everywhere in life, but it was a lot and they came suddenly. I was creeeeeeeeped out and thought it might be bad energy so I pulled out the big sword- literally the sword slashing banishing technique from the book- and I’m not one for gestures much. The noises didn’t stop but they quieted down. Anyone have any insight on this? I guess I was expecting warm and fuzzies, with a side of pat-on-the-back.

Whew! So my heart’s racing and I try to ground myself and continue the circle. I decide to do some divination with the tarot that I’m learning. I ask for insight on what I can do to bring prosperity into my life and I got this:

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Awe, MAN! Soon as I saw that ten of swords, my heart sank. I was so confused, I had to text my roommate for help. Her response was, “You’re clear about what you want in general and either are going to (or are advised to) reexamine ur beliefs/make some tweaks or you may bottom out/become a martyr you got all mental cards so the work is in ur head-literally… New approaches, holding fast in the face of setbacks
and being flexible while avoiding martyr like behavior and “why me” mental ruts. Seems like a pretty straight forward answer.” This is all stuff I’ve been struggling with since my run of bad financial luck in the last couple of years. Damn homework! Teach me to ever ask Freyja and the tarot for wisdom or they just might give it to me (I say that jokingly). Why couldn’t I have just gotten the Sun card. Oh… Oh, hello there… Is that a “why me” mental rut cropping up? Down, boy! Down!

Then I pulled for my baggy again to check that the energy I’m empowering it with is helping me and got a jump card. I normally ignore jump cards because it’s hard to tell whether it’s because my deck is slippery or it’s something I need to know, but I decided to consider it as a clarification on the main pull, which was the lovers and the wheel of fortune. The jumper was the nine of pents.

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So, this was interesting because even though the nine of pents is sort of the “lap o’ luxury card” it’s also kinda like the hermit card, i.e taking care of myself away from everything, being super disciplined, self reliance. So, it seems to be saying that I have a window of me time/self reliance at hand that could work in my favor if I play my cards right.

Anywho, that was my experience. I don’t know what of this sounds normal. Like I said, I’m fairly new to this line of thinking and I have a lot of religious baggage to work through that may be effecting how I interpret things.  Maybe the noises, energy, and feeling watched, was Freyja and not something to be afraid of. I don’t know. I sometimes feel like I’m wandering around the desert blindfolded, searching for a forest. I definitely got some homework.

Also, side note: Today I got two referrals for contract work out of the blue.

Not really what I was expecting.

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