1533943_10201853064263236_1620991625_nWarning tonight is chock full of my opinions and raw emotional data. sorry if I offend. I can’t recall it all it was like a dream it is evaporating thankfully I took a voice memo of it. It is interesting to note that during my exchange my demeanor changed with my mood sad i nibbled the cookie looked down, turned in and shrank my body and muttered more. versus taking bits of cookie talking adamantly and with expansive gestures and clear words. Today was… awesome, I did the salt banishing, laughter, snow clean, then setup in my tree. I made a point not to speak externally I did in my head. then I called Santa. He really wasn’t happy when he showed up he was Sad and tired. He came in and sat down. I asked him what was the matter? he just said it was late and things were tiring. this felt like catching Santa off stage. It was more then that he was depressed. he finally told me he was disappointed in me because for the last few hours I had chatted with others played games and basically procrastinated. It wasn’t really the time. he said it was my attitude. Cause I tryied to dodge this thing so much. he asked if I still wanted to do this? did I not want to talk to him anymore? I told him part is I am tired from all the work from last year. I feel like my world is crushed, I fucked up Santa doesn’t want to see me again I start apologizing. (I felt bad in an odd way not bad like I was feeling bad but bad because I knew I should feel bad.) Santa sits there for a bit… He was disappointed that I procrastinated into 2 conversations with two other guys. I didn’t want to miss those two that I chatted with while I was doing Santa work so I was glad I’m glad I sat here a played games all day cause that is better then sitting here bitching about the shit in my life nothing may get done either way, but at least today i was happier and made progress in some games instead of dwelling on a past and a situation I can’t change. The worry the weight of the world was off my shoulders for those few hours. That’s why I play games as much as I do. When I am playing there is no worry or regret or other commitments the weight is lifted. I can forget about all my problems and concerns which shouldn’t be mine to begin with. Everyone else gets to let go and forget. and while I know that ain’t true that just makes it even more annoying because why do I have to be the enlightened one. we are all going through and dealing with the same shit yet we can’t see that everyone else is in pain to because for us ours is the worst there ever was. and it gets so bad that you spread around the terribleness in a hope that it will lessen yours but all it does is make more. I remember Santa saying after this that He was Scared, that I didn’t want this anymore now that I knew him I didn’t want to see him anymore after all this time I’d seen enough. here i was afraid he had rejected me and he was afraid of the same. Santa asked what he could do to make it better for me? After that I said, ” can we talk about it over milk and cookies” so i did their dedication and visualizing them fulling in that world. I’m tired of just observing the magic I feel like I am watching this outside of myself and recording it instead of living it. suddenly I was reminded of a bit from Niel Gaiman’s American Gods “‘Ah,’ said Wednesday, with a wide monkey grin, ‘so do you hold mighty bacchanals in her honor? Do you drink blood wine under the full moon, while scarlet candles burn in silver candle holders? Do you step naked into the sea foam, chanting ecstatically to your nameless goddess while the waves lick at your legs, lapping your thighs like the tongues of a thousand leopards?’” it may not make sense to you but it did to me. Then I said,” but this is suppose to be like a phone call me sending you a text when I could. The point of this is to just communicate with you. The point is not some enlightening of my soul it was that I could conjure up Santa and just talk with him just talk and converse with a being with no archetype Jungian thing for no other reason then just to sit and have milk and cookies with him. And and the end of it I could swear he was smiling I could feel it, and said that’s my boy. He told me that’s what he’s looking for that is why he is hear that is why I am interesting to him. that passion and desire. that’s why I do this and spend time with you. because of that right there. That’s why I love you, you are the chaos mage that Summoned Santa. You didn’t call to winter solstice, Odin, st. nick, or anything else like that. you called out to Santa Claus to the part of the cultural identity from your child hood. you called out to the entity that is Tim Allen in a fat suit, a claymation puppet moving jerking on a stage.you called the the secular being of a holiday. hearing this brought me to tears, because he was proud of me. It felt like a reverse evocation. like you who are a chaos mage you who summoned me, etc.you who called an entity not from history or even a complete world like an anime, you called an entity based on what Christmas meant for you as a child you called upon the spirit of Christmas with in you. Then Santa said, “Tell me more about that “what?” “what magic  is about” I go off magic isn’t just for enlightenment it is n’t just some wishy washy if it comes great if not it must be the universes will, it can be but sometimes a spell is just a spell and cigar is just a cigar. sometimes I invoke the power of fire because I need to light my cigarette. sometimes magic is magic for it’s own sake. Sometimes you just cast because you can. because you have that power and using it makes the world a better place for you. for some the enlightenment and stuff like that make the grass greener for them and that is great. Magic for me is about not having to be afraid anymore, not of myself, not of the world, about freedom, about taking control of my life. My ability to play and be vulnerable without fear or worry. After all was said and done I shrank again and Santa just sit there and looked and asked whats wrong why are you sad again why are you mousy again? he had no idea why either. we sat there for a while and ate cookies and then he had me try something. He had me focus on the emotion from when I was talking about what magic is and then Call Him. forget the rhyming just put that passion in there. I did and it was awesome it was ruff like it needed refinement but that was  beautiful the energy was right. it felt right is was great. After that we tried again this time he drank the milk from the tankard till it was less then half full I went to wave my hand over it to refill it. then I caught myself about to make that motion in real life I stopped myself and my physical body shuddered (has that ever happened to anyone else? their energy makes their whole body convulse? Please I’d like to know I have been dealing with that for over a decade.) after the shudder we just sat and ate cookies. we tried to arc it again and we almost had the power but suddenly I missed one note hit the wrong button in the rhythm game and it all crashed. I couldn’t get anymore power I felt useless.  Santa told me “Your not useless or powerless look at what you are doing. you have a fully decorated and all the details room inside of a tree and you summoned a god and are holding the connection open and moving and eating in the physical world and still seeing in there too. that is phenomenal. After that is was time for him to go so He stood up holding me close and after a while he left I turned off the room and headed out and banished with laughter I felt like crying even though I was laughing.

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