Oh wow! Today’s ritual was really powerful! I feel like I am finally making progress.
I was having technical problems with candles and charcoal, but after I got that out of the way, I was able to settle down into a nice trance, via the chant.
I really became aware of just how cranky I have been lately. Ever watched Red Dwarf? Well I was Paranoia. I must have seemed intolerable lately. I started to feel quite overwhelmed with guilt. But then, I took a look at what I have been through in the last eight months, both with the custody case, and with the job loss. Both times I was massively screwed over by people with nothing but malicious intent for me (my ex and his wife, my old boss). I was really victimized in both these cases. I have been under such extreme weight, with no break, it’s no wonder I’ve been cranky. There was nothing that I could have done to have prevented either situation. I did my best. I haven’t really gone into detail about what happened to me, or just how bad it is. But, I’m really, really in pain. Crankiness is to be expected. At that point, I became overwhelmed with self-compassion. This was actually something that came up in NET this week, how no one has been there to care for me, and there is still a colicky infant in me who is in such desperate need to be cared for and not to “cry it out” as I have been left to do for the last 33 years. So much of me deeply craves to be rescued. Comments like “Be the Paper Bag princess and rescue yourself” are really careless. I have been as strong as I could for so long. I need a safe place to completely melt down and turn off. Such place does not exist outside of ritual. There is no compassion, therefore, I must be gentle with myself. I have lost friends due to my crankiness. It’s fairly standard for me to take extreme measures to push people away when I am vulnerable. It’s the refining fire of who my true friends are, but it is so counter productive.
Where I need to find shelter, where I need to go for affection and care is in ritual, is with the gods.
In the mean time, I will make an effort to be publicly less cranky. I haven’t used the private blog since my world was torn apart 8 months ago.
Day 8 felt purifying to finally let out that crankiness and melt down a little. Brigit was there to hold me. I still feel very raw.