I try to stay offline on weekends as much as possible, but I was still doing the challenge.

Once again, pain prevented the movement part of the exercise, but I did circuit breathing. I found it very hard to stay mentally focussed today.

I started really thinking about the areas of my life that are stuck, the ones that are really stressing me out. And then, I started to thing about how mandatory these things are. Who is making me do this? What are the consequences of staying engaged? What are the consequences of letting go? In many cases, it’s okay to let go. The consequences of staying engaged are the same or worse than letting go?

I crave a simple life, but my life is soooooo complicated! Why am I doing this to myself?

It’s like this challenge, kinda. If it’s stressing me out, why am I doing it? Who is making me? What are the benefits of staying engaged? What are the benefits of walking away? Why am I being so stubborn? What am I getting out of working myself up over it?

Now, I’m sticking with the challenge, I am just considering this a lesson in the challenge. I started this with the goal of wanting movement in areas of my life that are stuck. I used the metaphor of pushing the car up the hill. Is it my car? Is there a reason the car MUST go up the hill? Do I have to push it up myself? Is there a professional tow truck company that can move the truck for me? What happens if I let the car up the hill?

I’ve been stuck in this warrior mentality for so long. It has kept me alive. But, I fight to the death, and though I am always victorious, being in constant battle mode for over three decades has taken its toll. They say to pick your battles, but what if the battle is pointless? There has been so much drama and trauma in my life. Parents, boyfriends, toxic people, and now custody. Why? These are preventing me from having the life I want.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my lack of goals. I have my house. I have my career (will have that secured in the next two weeks). I’m content to not have romance rip my life apart. So what’s left to want? Sure, my weight is a problem, but there’s something more that I want. PEACE! My goals right now are not things. They are not stuff. They are inside changes, which are very difficult to pinpoint and measure.

It’s funny, I started off this challenge feeling like an Eastern Paradigm felt wrong, that I should have been doing something more Celtic. And now, writing this blog post, I sound REALLY Eastern.

Caroline Weasley

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