I'm sorry to go somewhat off-topic in this post.  I feel a need to talk about it in a place with other magicians, who might not think I'm crazy.  Feel free to not read this post, or to ignore it if you do.

I have an extremely bad memory.  Friends and family often tell me stories about things we've done that I have absolutely no recall of.  I really don't remember my childhood at all, only disjointed bits and pieces, flashes, but no real narrative until puberty.  I don't remember the house where I grew up, I barely remember high school, I wouldn't recognize most people I went to college with.  Sometimes I don't remember things I did last week.  As I've been doing this work with Aziz, I've been remembering lots of things from my life, but I'm pretty sure some of them (possible most of them) aren't true.  Some I have verified with relatives (my parents died in the fall, but I'm reasonably close with my mother's family, and they were around for parts of my childhood.)  When I was young, I do know that I used to sometimes "remember" things that had happened to other people, including my father getting attacked by a dog when he was very young and my mother's childhood sexual abuse, which freaked her out when I finally asked her about it.  Since my parents deaths, I have been doing that sort of thing a little more.  Also, sometimes I'm dreaming things that haven't happened.  (For example: I had a series of nightmares about a gunman coming to the school where I work for the week preceding the Newtown shooting. (I live/work near, but not in, Newtown.)  I had mentioned the dreams to some colleagues in an off-hand way before the shooting, but none of them seem to have put anything together.

Some of the things I'm "remembering" I can definitely falsify, but they "feel" true; I have emotions when I remember them.  In particular, I keep remembering a rape (from when I'm 18ish) that I'm reasonably confident didn't happen, but certainly couldn't have happened when/where I remember it (because the place I'm remembering it in wasn't there at the time I recall it happening).  I've dreamt it a couple of times in the last couple weeks, but also I'm just "remembering" it from time to time during the day.  I'm not traumatized or PTSD or anything when I remember it, but I am troubled.  This is (as one might expect) somewhat upsetting for me, and I'm not sure what to make of it.  Should I just ignore it, and maybe it will go away?  Should I try to interpret it metaphorically?  Should I try to determine if they are someone else's memories?  If so, how do I do that?  Should I "banish"?  Should I try to explore the memories in more detail, maybe with hypnosis?  Divination has not provided any useful insights (but I'm not very good at divining), and I'm open to suggestions.

Sara Mastros

Latest posts by Sara Mastros (see all)